I don’t remember if I knew what the word pedophile was in my early childhood. The earliest memory I have of knowing about pedophiles is in the 7th grade. There was this rumor that our gym teacher was a pedophile and would perv on us kids. I remember in my 8th grade Spanish class, we were talking about Michael Jackson when some girl in the class shouted out that he was a pedophile. I didn’t think much about it though. My best friend said it wasn’t true; that he loved children, he would never do such horrible things to them. My best friend at the time was a huge MJ fan so I took what she said into consideration. I remember one of the first times I noticed my attraction at the age of 13, I thought to myself that I was a pedophile – one of those people. It absolutely horrified me. I remember when I was 15/16 I came across a map community on Twitter. I thought they were a bunch of creepy perverts. I remember when my parents got me a job at a daycare when I was 16 it was the first time I noticed my attraction to children in real life. I felt that I was such a disgusting pervert for feeling that way about such young children.
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I didn’t really know they existed. Nobody ever really told me much, just my dad once said don’t let anybody touch you “there”
However, one boy did enjoy playing with me. He was older, maybe middle school, and I was five or six. We were on the swing set and I’d straddle and face him. He would hump up into me as we went. I didn’t find this activity very enjoyable, but it didn’t trigger my father’s warning as it was hands-free and my penis remained untouched.
I therefore didn’t recognize what he was actually doing until much later in my life. I don’t mind. I think he was trying to harm me, although I do recall he was very insistent about playing this game. While I didn’t enjoy it, he wasn’t hurting me; it just wasn’t comfortable to sit on a swing that way
I knew about sex and I knew that adults did it. If I knew that an adult wanted to have sex with me, I think I would have been curious. Because this guy was a kid like me, I didn’t see it as possibly sexual
Thanks for the comment and sharing your experience.