I won’t be doing something for every day of MAP rememberance but for this subject it really spoke to me. You see, I seem to have some strange affinity for self-loathing adolescent MAPs who are just beginning to discover their attractions. I think it’s because I felt that way when I was a tween first noticing my attraction. I beat myself up for finding such young children attractive. I thought I was such a sick, disgusting person for sexualizing young children. I guess my shame was so strong because I wasn’t able to accept that I was a pedophile in my teenagehood. It’s like my subconscious was protecting me because if I had realized I was a pedophile in my teen years I probably would have developed an even lower self-esteem than the one I already had. So in a way I’m glad I didn’t realize my orientation in my teen years because it probably would have royally fucked me up.
Whenever I read anecdotes from young pedophiles first discovering their attraction and dreading the future or are hating on themselves just for finding kids attractive, it breaks my heart. I just want to protect them and baby them and tell them everything will be okay. I was once in their shoes… I know what it’s like to not want to be “one of those people.” That’s what inspired me to draw this little doodle down below. The character is an adolescent pedophile first noticing their attraction and feeling so guilty and depressed for having it.
