- And how’d you find it the second time?
Before I can answer this question I have to provide import backstory context.
Adolescence
If, at 19, I had been introduced to the concept of *chronophilias and asked to identify my own, I would have without hesitation chosen “*teleiophile”. Why you may ask? Well for you see throughout my teenage years and early adulthood, I assumed I was just like everyone else… attracted to people my own age. Sure there were moments where I had a hunch that there was something unconventional about my preferences, but mostly I never gave it much thought.
Looking back, I realize that my disinterest in dating and sex played a major role in this assumption. I never felt a strong physical attraction toward my peers in high school or later in college. I was always baffled by the conventional standards of sex appeal. Even when I struggled to understand what others found sexually appealing, it never crossed my mind to think I was any different. Not to mention I was seemingly apathetic about sexual & romantic content. I poured my energy into my hobbies and passions, barely noticing that my experience diverged from the norm.
Only in hindsight do I recognize the subtle signs that set me apart. What I once dismissed as a lack of interest was, in fact, something more—an attraction that didn’t align with what I had assumed was typical.
I believe my indifference—and even aversion—to sex, sexual content, and dating was a byproduct of many factors. Ever since I was ten—in the fifth grade—I’ve held a sex-negative perspective. My best friend played a major role in shaping this outlook. She was a devout Catholic and had strong opinions about modesty. She would judge girls who wore mini skirts or shorts, considering them “slutty.” Wanting to avoid being seen that way in her eyes, I adopted a modest attitude toward relationships, clothing, and sex.
In sixth and seventh grade, we drifted apart due to being in different sections of the school. However, in eighth grade, we were placed in all the same classes again. By then, my best friend had expanded her social circle, and I became part of a larger friend group. Two of the girls she befriended were also modest, and one of them was Catholic as well. Unlike many of our classmates, we didn’t curse, discuss sex, or pursue dating.
My best friend once mentioned that she wouldn’t start dating until after graduating from college. While I found that a bit extreme, I didn’t see anything wrong with dating during college. Still, her influence had already left a lasting impact on my views.
But other than that disagreement, I had seen eye to eye with her when it came to minors dating and having sex. Although my conservative values took root in fifth grade, I became even more prudent by seventh grade. I believed it was immoral for minors of any age to date or have sex. One should wait until they have finished high school before engaging in such activities. I thought it would tamper with one’s academic pursuit. By sixth grade, I had grown increasingly uptight about how shallow, hedonistic, vacuous, lazy, and sex obsessed (in particular the boys) most of my classmates seemed. Though I wasn’t a complete stick-in-the-mud, I was undeniably a prude. Junior high school (seventh and eighth grade) was the worst in this regard—I was surrounded by what I considered “perverse” classmates, and I was at the height of my misanthropic feelings. I absolutely loathe everyone that I deemed stupid… which was 99% of people, give or take a few…so a lot. The boys in junior high were especially intolerable. They would constantly make crude sex jokes, talk about what the find attractive in women, what it would be like to fuck the teachers, not being a virgin, what porn they watch. I remember one incident in eighth grade English class in which we learned a new word “Husky”. A guy from my class figured out the word and then proceeded to use it in a sentence. “After I left your mom’s house, her voice was all husky.” I was annoyed by his joke, but now I find it hilarious and clever.
Although the boys were more overt in expressing lewdness and their sexual interests, the girls weren’t too far behind. I think it was sixth grade when most girls really started to care about their appearance. They began wearing makeup and altering the school uniform to be more form-fitting. Instead of the standard school slacks, many opted for black jeans that accentuated their hips and butt. I might have been the only girl who actually wore the official uniform slacks, and I took pride in that. I had no desire to dress provocatively, nor did I care about following trends. Even my best friend wore black jeans instead of the designated uniform pants—I sometimes wondered if she even knew what the actual dress code required.
Another common trend among the girls in junior high was tying their school polo shirts at the waist to make them more form-fitting. I, on the other hand, preferred oversized shirts, which kept my figure hidden. But that wasn’t intentional—I just liked the comfort of loose clothing, and most of my wardrobe consisted of hand-me-downs from my older siblings. I also despised makeup. It saddened me to see so many thirteen-year-old girls wearing heavy makeup and dressing provocatively. It felt unnecessary—shameful, even. Seeing so many girls try to “grow up” so fast broke my heart. I still was attached to my childhood. I don’t want to wear high heels, skimpy clothes, have a bunch of sex, do drugs, curse, party all night. I wanted to still be a kid; watch cartoons, play with toys, wear cute sneakers, go to the playground.
In the seventh grade I had no friends until I befriended a girl in my Spanish and music class. I only got to see her in Spanish, music, and gym class. I remember one time hearing her talk to someone about how she went to this party and she meta boy. Then she and boy went into a room alone and stripped off all their clothes in front of each other. I thought it was crazy how she did that. I didn’t understand why all my classmates were so obsessed with sex and dating. Puberty did skyrocket my sexual desires and fantasies. I would constantly think about sex and imagine what everyone looked like naked, and I mean everyone! I absolutely hated how lewd my mind was. I thought I was a huge pervert. I was deeply ashamed. The thoughts dimmed down by the age of fourteen. Even though I thought it was immoral for minors to date and have sex, I never thought it was inherently harmful or abusive for adolescent people to have sex, even if they did it with an adult. I thought minors (adolescence and above) were capable of consenting to sex with adults and I even considered them accountable for their own actions, like choosing to date an adult. I would judge them. I thought it was “fast” behavior. Minors should not be dating or having sex!
For all the things I believed at the time I ironically argued with this guy in the YouTube comments who said a thirteen year old doesn’t know what they’re doing when having sex when I was thirteen myself. I replied to the guy, “a 13 year old is not a 3 year old.” To my dismay he rebutted by saying “what’s the difference between a thirteen year old and three year old”?
*Chronophilia: Are forms of romantic preferences and/or sexual attractions limited to individuals of particular age ranges. Some such attractions, specifically those towards prepubescents and those towards the elderly, constitute types of paraphilia.
*Teleiophile: A person who is attracted primarily to mature adults.